Ask The SEXpert: When is too much too much?

Question:

I have been seeing a few different men… three now, that I am having sex with. And a few I talk to online.  None want a commitment, but I really need the attention I guess. I don’t LOVE any of them, in fact, one of them drives me crazy but our sex is amazing… I guess when is too much too much? I am just freshly divorced, after a 10 year relationship, and I am loving all this attention I didn’t get before.  I just want to find the right one… not a bunch of half asses.  I am 34 and need some guidance.

Response:

Thank you for writing in. Right off the bat, I hear a lot of judgment. Judgment of self and of others. You mentioned the attention thing twice (needing it or loving it) and I am picking up that you see it as a bad thing for some reason. What is wrong with getting attention?

Also the way you are referring to the men you are dating – they ‘drive you crazy’ or they are a ‘bunch of half asses’. There is a lot of making things bad or wrong. Things will only change when we take a good, long, honest look at ourselves and choose something different, not when we point fingers at others. Take emotions out of the equation for a moment and try to look at your situation from a neutral place.

What I am picking up is that you came out of a very long, super serious relationship and are dating a variety of people in order to experience things that may not have been present during your marriage. You are learning what is possible and hopefully what you do and do not want in your next relationship.

You mention that you don’t ‘LOVE any of them’, yet the sex is amazing with one of them. Again, there is an assumption here that you have to a certain type of feeling present in order to date, get to know people, experience pleasure, have fun, etc.

First thing I would suggest is shifting your perspective around these guys/relationships. These are learning opportunities. None of it is good or bad, right or wrong. They are experiences and they are giving you information.

They will help inform what you do and don’t want in your next long term/committed relationship. One thing you can do is a relationship autopsy on your first marriage, as well as some of the relationships that are more casual. It will help you get clear on your likes, dislikes, wishes, wants, etc.

For more information and some questions you can ask yourself to perform a relationship autopsy, click here.

Next step is getting clear on what you want. You say you ‘just want to find the right one’. Let me ask you this … Are you ready for that type of a relationship so soon after a divorce? Do you mean find the right one right now or eventually?

My thoughts? Give yourself some time to figure out what it is you want exactly when it comes to ‘the right one.’ Come up with your wish list, both in what the relationship and the person looks like, as well as when you would be ready for that, realistically.

There is no timeline for any of this to happen. We are the only ones that create that type of pressure for ourselves. Allow yourself to learn and grow during this process. Go easy on yourself and try to enjoy what is around you.

Don’t forget, you get to choose what you want in your life right now. If you want to date, have fun, bask in the attention, stretch, grow … GREAT. But you gotta own that!

You can still be intentional during this time of casual. Consciously choosing these casual relationships will allow you to learn and grow even more while having your needs and desires met. Sounds like a win/win to me.

 

CS Photoshoot II
 

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As a thank you, you will get a surprise from me as well … an in-depth worksheet where you list out your ideal partner and relationship. When you are clear, they appear…It works like magic I tell ya. XO

 

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One Response to Ask The SEXpert: When is too much too much?

  1. Sally Hope March 27, 2013 at 8:31 pm #

    Love this! Awesome observations and suggestions. You rock at this. XOXO

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