Why does it feel like such a scary thing to live your life exactly how YOU want to live it?
I have been asking myself this a lot lately. Especially because my life is moving in a way that is more and more aligned with my dream version of it and you would think I would be doing cartwheels and shit, but it is freaking me the fuck out.
Ever since I can remember I wanted to help people.
At 2 or 3 I was helping change my brother’s diapers and helping my mom around the house. Growing up I wanted to be like Mother Theresa … I desired to be able to ease suffering in others, help them feel joy, see beauty and believe in wonder again.
So when I found coaching I felt like that part of me was being filled in such a huge way!
I have been coaching folks around their jobs, love, relationships, careers, self-confidence for the past five years and have grown to appreciate it more with every passing year.
I know coaching can be attributed immensely to me becoming the person I am.
It has forced me outside of my comfort zones again and again, and as a result I have accomplished some amazing things (RVing around the US, working globally, pursuing writing in a big way, etc) … all things on my life bucket list.
I even got to experience an open relationship for the first time in my life and realized it fits for me. I have always viewed myself as unconventional, so why wouldn’t my relationship reflect that? Love tailored to my unique self!
Coaching has also opened doors that I would never have imagined. The most recent ones being Tarot and Burlesque.
May not seem like a big deal to others but for me they are. Maybe it is what they represent – freedom, magic, beauty, sensuality, spirituality.
They are two things that are near and dear to my heart in a way that has prevented me from exploring them fully until now.
The closer I get though, all of this stuff comes up around it. The usual old tapes are front and center (‘I don’t deserve this’ blah blah blah). However this time around there is also a disbelief … “Can I truly have it all?”
There are so many things I am passionate about, so many facets that make up who I am. I am tired of denying them and I am tired of caring so much about what other people think.
But it happens. We believe everything we are told about how to live our lives, what a happy relationship should look like, what we should strive for, what success means, etc.
I am 35 and I am barely coming to this place of “This is MY life. No one else’s. Mine. Live accordingly.”
Which is why finding your tribe is so important, people that will support you whoever you are and whatever you wanna do.
If I dig deeper though, before the Mother Theresa urge, I wanted to be on stage.
My mom said I used to come home from pre-school, promptly stand on the coffee table and proudly recite whatever poem or sing whatever song I learned that day. I was also the kid that loved being in school dance performances and spelling bees!
Somewhere along the way I stuffed that desire to dance and perform on stage. One ballet class where I felt like a failure and it was over.
In a similar fashion I was a super intuitive kid. I knew my dad had ‘left’ the day he committed suicide. But I stuffed the intuition for fear of knowing too much and with that the magical piece of me was hidden for a long time.
Tarot and Burlesque may seem unrelated but I see even more so how they are intimately connected for me.
They are both very fun, fascinating, exciting avenues I have wanted to pursue since I was around 18. Yet things that seemed frivolous and unimportant in the grand scheme of ‘making something of your life’ and ‘bringing home the dolla dolla bills to seem successful’.
I have had a tumultuous relationship with them both because I yearned to explore them but felt ridiculous to even think or dream about them. I am sure everyone can relate to that push/pull dynamic.
Over 15 years later I still experience that push/pull and it is even stronger than before.
Only difference is me. I am a different person. I recognize that I am scared shitless and know that the only way out is through. No one else is stopping me from doing whatever I truly want.
I could potentially let another 15 years go by and wonder the whole time what it would be like if I completely immersed myself in these things I am super passionate about and love.
Or I could acknowledge the fear, feel the fuck out of it and then let it go.
Thankfully I have people in my life who push me to follow those dreams, but most importantly to follow my heart. I honestly wish that for everyone because I know how crucial it has been for me not to feel like a freak (for the things I want or the way I am).
My adventure partner in crime Sally Hope has lovingly nudged me to read Tarot professionally and I have loved the experience. Doing weekly tarot card pulls for the Wildheart Revolution members has allowed me to hone my craft and meet some of the coolest, most dynamic ladies around the globe.
Now I am reading tarot and using my intuition to give others guidance and facilitate their growth in huge ways!
(Update July 25, 2014 – Ask and you shall receive. I mention to a friend that I want to pursue Burlesque and she suggests a trade where she teaches me Burlesque and I teach her Tarot … can you say win/win. Thank you Universe and Princess Farhana)
Long story short … all of this is exciting and scary and exciting. After all, those two things feel pretty similar in the body. However I am choosing to focus on the excitement.
This year was going to be about Fun and Flow and Abundance, so here we are and here we go. This year is my year. And it is your year if you choose it to be so.
The year to say Fuck Yes to all of the things that are calling your heart in a big way. Scary? Yes! Exciting? Fuck Yes!
You wildhearts with me?
Feature Image Photo Credit: Flickr/kenzosoza
P.S. If you are intrigued about tarot and how it can magically illuminate your life and love, check out my Tarot offerings. Would love to read for you!
P.P.S. If you are ready to meet your tribe … a group of wildhearted (peaceful) warriors, who believe that anything is possible and freedom is high on the priority list, check out the Wildheart Revolution.