Realizing I tend to make up phrases and sayings … this is no exception. After a chat with a dear friend recently, it came to my attention how I, and so many women I know, get all ‘flexi’ in relationships.
Far too often I see women (myself included) stretch and flex and morph themselves in order to be what a relationship needs. Instead of building a life with someone, we wrap our lives around them.
In this video, I talk about this concept of Gumby-ing in relationships and an alternative to the phenomenon. *For you readers, the transcription of the video can be found below.
I wanted to talk today about this concept of being gumby in relationship, especially as
women. But I’m gonna come clean first. This conversation came from a chat I was having
with a friend of mine earlier. We were talking about how WE do this in relationship and
we’ve done that in almost every single one of our relationships.
How this shows up is we go in to the relationship, actually notice the red flags and the intuitions about how this isn’t going to be a situation where we’re going to get our needs and wants met, yet we go for it anyway.
Because how we rationalize this is, if only I can change somehow. If only I can morph in some way or be flexible in a certain way, or take responsibility in the form of “Maybe it’s because I’m doing this or saying that (which is why it’s not working, etc)”
Basically we are changing ourselves. We are morphing ourselves into someone that can fit into their life.
Not how can we build a life together? But how can I change in some way so that I can fit into your life and make it easy for you to get what you need and want, instead of me focusing on what I need and want / how can we both get what we need and want in this situation?
So I am trying to wrap my life around you versus we’re really co-creating and building a life together.
I know I sure as hell did this in most of my relationships. Even in my most recent one, Bob and I did our best to fulfill that in each other, but it’s something that I have … I lose myself in a relationship somehow. And I’m working on it.
I’ve gotten better at it with each relationship. I get better and better at doing that. But it still happens and it’s still something for me to pay attention to.
The reason I am bringing it up is for you to pay attention to it as well.
Are you ‘gumbo-ing yourself?
Are you putting your needs and wants on the back burner?
Are you trying to justify somehow that this isn’t what you want?
In my situation, I will give you an example. In my last relationship, I just never felt settled.
That’s actually been the “thing” with all of them. I never felt settled, I never felt grounded. I never felt like this person really is committing to me in a way that has me feel solid.
So instead of saying there’s something off in the relationship or there’s something about what they’re doing that is not having me feel grounded, I would come in and say things ike the following:
“Well maybe I need to be more open-minded.”
“Maybe I need to not be so needy.”
“Maybe I need to not be selfish.”
“Maybe I need to be more flexible.”
Instead of looking at them and the relationship, I would always look at me, and try to be all flexy and gummy about it.
That was my situation and I’m seeing it in a much better light now in asking myself “How can I be grounded and solid in myself and not feel like I have to be so flexible all the time?”
So my questions for you are:
Are you ‘gumby-ing” in a relationship?
Are you feeling like you have to be the one that’s always changing and morphing and being flexible in the relationship?
Are they also willing to do that for you?
Are you feeling grounded?
Are they giving you a sense of groundedness?
Are you on the same page and wanting to build a life together?
Are you wrapping your life around theirs?
These are things to consider. Things to take note of. A place to feel into and ask if your intuition is speaking to you about these things.