*This is another excerpt from the book that I am currently in the process of writing. Well, an excerpt of an excerpt as it is not the full piece … I like to tease, can you tell?
If you had told me 10 to 15 years ago that I would be writing about my sexual experiences, starting a podcast about sex, or coaching people around their sexuality, I would have not only laughed but thought you were absolutely bonkers. Even five years ago I would have thought that was the most absurd idea anyone could have ever thought about.
Reason being: most of my life I had a very disconnected, very painful, silently shameful relationship with sex.
I started masturbating when I was around 12 years old. I kind of knew what I was doing, however part of it was very much in the dark. I distinctly remember this one religious propaganda pamphlet I read where it correlated masturbating with going to hell, because according to God you were sinning. That shit definitely scared me and messed with my head, yet the desire to follow pleasure was way stronger apparently.
Around that time I also started watching porn on our Cable black box. I would wait until my mom and my brother were asleep, creep out into the living room, set up my makeshift bed on the couch, and settle in so that I can watch ‘hopefully not scrambled’ porn and masturbate.
The images of the threesome were as potent for my turn on as the one man with one woman action. Actually in most cases more so. Then I realized it was the two women being together that drew me in the most in the threesome scenarios. I had to ultimately admit to myself that I got turned on as much, if not more so, from watching two women having sex together.
As if it wasn’t bad enough that I was contending with my budding sexuality, to then add the possibility of homosexuality (or bisexuality) to the mix was confusing and disturbing to say the least.
Needless to say I kept all of this quiet for years. I think I confessed the fact that I masturbated early on to a potential crush in my senior year of high school. That alone felt like a huge weight was lifted, as I let out the secret that I kept so locked down for years.
It wasn’t until I was in my early 20s that I confessed to my brother and best friend that I was interested in women as well. By that time I had my first kiss from a friend girl of mine when I was 19. Even that had a lot of taboo and shame swirling around the act. We were drunk and I was a virgin in all senses of the word.
Not one kiss, not one touch, not one act of sex, oral or otherwise up to that point. I was a textbook late bloomer when it came to sex. And I definitely thought something was wrong with me, as I heard of classmates having sex at 12, 15, even 17, definitely not at 20!
How could I not think that there was something wrong with me when that much time had passed and I was still a virgin?!
**To get on the waiting list for my upcoming book “Sex, Money, and God”, click HERE!