Blog – Taboo and Turn On http://natalievartanian.com Helping you get turned on in every area of your life. Sun, 23 Jun 2019 19:07:58 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7.13 In this podcast, we have real talk about real things. It is where we shed light on taboo topics and explore what it truly means to live a turned on life. <br /> <br /> This will run the gamut from conversations with friends and colleagues, to answering listener questions with coaching and advice, to sharing my own stories around taboo and turn on! <br /> <br /> If you have any questions, suggestions, or want to submit a question to be answered on the podcast, please go to www.tabooandturnon.com and send a message via the Contact page! Blog – Taboo and Turn On yes episodic Blog – Taboo and Turn On natalievartanian@gmail.com natalievartanian@gmail.com (Blog – Taboo and Turn On) Shedding light on taboo topics and exploring what it truly means to live a turned on life! Blog – Taboo and Turn On http://natalievartanian.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Taboo-Turn-On-Logo.jpg http://natalievartanian.com/category/blog/ Revelations in Love, Scarcity and Abundance http://natalievartanian.com/2018/12/revelations-in-love-scarcity-and-abundance/ http://natalievartanian.com/2018/12/revelations-in-love-scarcity-and-abundance/#comments Tue, 11 Dec 2018 22:25:33 +0000 http://natalievartanian.com/?p=9825 Had a pretty profound realization as I was journaling last night and this morning that I feel called to share with you all, my tribe. My natural tendency in any point of contention within a close connection is to assume someone is going to leave me, simply disappear, or traumatize me somehow and then leave […]

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Photo Credit: Chriselda Photography

Had a pretty profound realization as I was journaling last night and this morning that I feel called to share with you all, my tribe. My natural tendency in any point of contention within a close connection is to assume someone is going to leave me, simply disappear, or traumatize me somehow and then leave me.

On the recommendation of a very smart friend, I wrote a letter from my fear about this anxiety thrashing around in my heart, as well as a response to my fear.

Once fear had its say, I then turned around and wrote a letter to my fear from Grace (aka Love). And what flowed out stunned me to the point of having to stop and allow for the words to really sink in. It felt like it short circuited my brain and had me looking at the entire situation with fresh eyes, eyes of unconditional love.

“This decision (to come to your own truth and speak your truth) is a decision to love in the best way possible, not to deprive, but to help thrive.”

Regardless of who is speaking up about what they need (myself or the other person), the knee jerk reaction has been “Someone is going to get hurt, if not both of us.”

I realized how much my blueprint of scarcity in love affects how I view and hold all of my relationships. My anxiety comes from feeling like “There’s not enough” or “There will never be enough”. And love is the thing I am afraid to lose the most.

I saw how I totally felt ‘deprived’ of love growing up, so of course it makes sense that I am a ‘ledger holder’ in relationships, or a score keeper of the times someone has deprived me. Versus all of the time I have been given to, helped to fill, to thrive!

That latter approach would be my natural filter if I came from a more abundant in love mentality. ‘There’s more than enough’ would be the assumption – that endings or change don’t mean ‘I may lose everything’, it simply points me in another direction …

Of more than enough, of gain, of a FULL, happy life, overflowing with love.

In the assumption of unconditional love, there is no separation, there is endless opportunity to grow deeper in love, to strengthen connection and to make sure every single person is winning … feeling loved, heard, cared for, understood.

My new goal is to practice switching gears from this old assumption of impending doom and destruction because deprivation is the only option.

The new gear I want to switch into is approaching every challenge from a desire to help the situation (and all players involved) to thrive.

Because the commitment is to love unconditionally and to honor the belief that we all deserve to be loved unconditionally and abundantly, including me!

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Musings on Risk, Turn On, and Regret http://natalievartanian.com/2018/07/musings-on-risk-turn-on-regret/ http://natalievartanian.com/2018/07/musings-on-risk-turn-on-regret/#respond Tue, 10 Jul 2018 00:37:45 +0000 http://natalievartanian.com/?p=9718 You know what the biggest shame would be? Not fully living your life. Not putting yourself out there in fear of possibly getting hurt. Not being turned all the way on. Not going after the things that your heart is absolutely craving for. Is it scary? Sure! Hands down!! That’s why a lot of people are quite […]

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You know what the biggest shame would be?

  • Not fully living your life.
  • Not putting yourself out there in fear of possibly getting hurt.
  • Not being turned all the way on.
  • Not going after the things that your heart is absolutely craving for.

Is it scary? Sure! Hands down!! That’s why a lot of people are quite content not rocking the boat. Not as many people opt for the super hero path … let someone else risk their life.

Because let’s face it … having your ass handed to you after you put blood sweat and tears into something important to you? Fuck yeah that’s scary and humiliating!

I’ve lived through at least three different scenarios of partnerships or agreements going south with people I really cared about. Every time I reeled back to a place of utter distrust and broken faith.

Also projects, where lots of time and money were invested, ending before the payoff ever happened. Even picking up and moving to a new town only to turn around and move back not even a year later. In these cases, I thrashed around in a pit of embarrassment, failure, and hopelessness.

Then there is the romantic risk right? To have to pick up the shattered pieces of your heart after you opened it full of faith and trust. Painstakingly frightening.

I still wonder occasionally why I keep putting myself “out there” when I have lived through three major heart breaks in my life (one of them included the short sale of a house). I’m not even 40 yet! Don’t get me started on the relationships where the recovery time takes longer than the actual couple time!

But what’s the alternative?  To only swim in waters that never ever move? No storms, but also no excitement. Or I could become one of the Walking Dead. Where I am a shriveled up version of myself … unrecognizable and absolutely devoid of the light of life.

I’ve already gone down that road and it is even more excruciating. As my mentor used to say, we just sleepwalk through our lives at that point, biding our time and counting down until we die.

To turn on, to live with passion and for passion, definitely puts you at risk of being burned. You are playing with fire, yet I think we forget how capable we are of not just healing from the occasional burns, but managing the heat so that we can create warmth, nourishment, and vitality.

Because of this amazing process of learning and growing through that trial by fire that is risk worth taking in my humble opinion. Here is another thing we easily forget or overlook … there is just as much of a possibility that things can turn out amazing when we follow turn on and excitement in life.

For us to feel the thrill of a goal achieved. To feel the bliss of true intimacy. To feel the utter relaxation of safety, and the heart warmth of connection.

I don’t know about you but I’m tired of playing the safe game. The one where I give my 60% and wonder why I don’t have everything that I want and yearn for. I have some things, but not all of the delicious and satiating things. It’s a watered down version of life … which I guess is fine if you like that sort of thing. You know … when you drink your beverage after all of the ice has melted and you barely taste the flavor of it anymore.

Something that stuck out for me when I was in leadership training 10 years ago was the saying that “If you’re not thinking of quitting, you’re not playing big enough”. I totally wanted to punch them in the face at the time when they would (in my mind antagonistically) remind us of this.

However, I knew on some level they were right.  I wasn’t playing big enough. I wasn’t risking or putting myself out there far enough to fail. I did all the things that looked good on paper but were polar opposite of what my heart desired.

When I stopped fighting my leadership coaches (and the whole program to be honest), I calmed down enough to realize my comfort zone was also my zone of guaranteed disappointment in terms of the things I truly wanted to accomplish or achieve. Cruising is dangerously close to snoozing … we gotta watch this stuff like a hawk sometimes so we don’t go down the rabbit hole of regret.

So can we make a pact? No more coasting and surviving friends. No more settling. Seriously. Who do we think we are doing a favor by suffering and staying small (and cozy in our immobility). 

Time for thriving … and that requires a life of risking. Trust me, your turn on will turn on those around you too. There is enough thriving to go around. 

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The Taboo of Sadness and Depression http://natalievartanian.com/2018/06/the-taboo-of-sadness-and-depression/ http://natalievartanian.com/2018/06/the-taboo-of-sadness-and-depression/#comments Tue, 12 Jun 2018 22:52:55 +0000 http://natalievartanian.com/?p=9715 Confession Time: I have been thinking a lot about transparency and how much is too much to share. Also, this notion where we don’t share our down days because we don’t want to be judged or perceived as weak. However the latest focus on suicide has me want to speak up even more around the […]

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Confession Time: I have been thinking a lot about transparency and how much is too much to share. Also, this notion where we don’t share our down days because we don’t want to be judged or perceived as weak. However the latest focus on suicide has me want to speak up even more around the taboo of sadness and depression.

So here goes my stream of consciousness share in an effort to be more transparent and honest. (Disclaimer: I am not sharing for support or comfort, but merely to normalize and be in community around this conversation).

Admittedly I have been somewhat in hiding because I am going through a bout of this myself. I have been opting for my cave over the world at large. Sure I have been social, yet my heart wants to close shop and go on a long sabbatical. (And that may be necessary as I contemplate a sabbatical from social media for the summer). It is a concerted effort stay open and connect when my natural Inclination is to protect myself and sort through my emotions.

I’m in a stage currently that some would call a “contraction”. It’s a time of being closed, inward, down, heavy, in pain. Not that unlike the contractions that happen during pregnancy. They are not forever and they almost always follow an expansion (dilation), which of course means that they are always followed BY an expansion.

But in these moments (of contraction) none of that is remembered or relevant. I definitely experience these semi-regularly, as most people do. Thankfully I have not reached meltdown mode in a while … it’s been on the milder side this time around.

Yet there is always a fear, with every contraction, that I am teetering on a treacherous edge … and I have no idea when something will snap and I go careening towards territory I may never come back from. I feel crazy in these moments. Wondering “What the fuck is the point of any of this?!” “Does anything truly bring us happiness or peace?” “Have we all been bamboozled into believing success and achievement is the only way and Love will come eventually if you work hard enough?”

In these moments I am tired. Bone achingly tired. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I can’t even fathom exerting any effort on anything that isn’t solely focused on maintaining my sense of sanity.

This place can be such a scary place. As the daughter of a man who committed suicide and also as a woman who has lived through the attempted suicides of two of her closest friends, I am extra scared. Scared that I may slide down that slippery slope myself.

This place, of sadness and depression, can also be so confusing. What do I need to do to snap out of this, if that is even possible? Do I take medication? Do I talk to someone professionally? Do I reach out to friends? Do I meditate and move my body more? And how do I do that when there is zero motivation?

I share this to be transparent. I think we ALL struggle and have so much shame in admitting this very normal and valid human experience. I do know in the past things for me do shift eventually, a lot of times of their own accord, on their own timeline. Before I realize what has happened, I am in expansion again.

Maybe it is the mushy phase between caterpillar and butterfly I am feeling … or maybe I am simply sensitive and feeling the weight of the world and my own community. Maybe it runs in my family to experience depression and there’s nothing to be ashamed of? Or maybe I had something really fucking shitty happen recently that has me tending to my own tender heart? Who knows?

Yet maybe if we had more compassion for ourselves in this place (the same compassion we would have for our best friend or our child or our nieces/nephews), the less suffering there would be around what I am coming to discover is a very natural phenomenon. And maybe if we felt like we didn’t have to hide our messy, sad, confused parts from the world, they would have more light and nourishment and love. We would get the very thing we crave and the very medicine that would help to soothe the hurt.

I am finding for myself with this latest round of contraction that compassion and connection (with myself and others) are essential and serve as the healing balm for my weary heart. I may not feel better per se, but I do feel a bit lighter, a tad more hopeful, and able to rest more in the knowing that I am OK, just as I am.

There’s no need to fix or change anything… Just to be and allow myself to be loved in this messy, insecure, and confused place.

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Fasties and Slowies in Dating and Relationship http://natalievartanian.com/2018/05/fasties-and-slowies-in-dating-and-relationship/ http://natalievartanian.com/2018/05/fasties-and-slowies-in-dating-and-relationship/#comments Wed, 09 May 2018 19:55:35 +0000 http://natalievartanian.com/?p=9657 When it comes to dating and relationships I have found that there are usually two types of people. And these types of people are distinguished by their speed in relationships. Fasties and Slowies. I, for example, am a Fasty! Always have been. My pace when I meet someone I like is to go all in, […]

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When it comes to dating and relationships I have found that there are usually two types of people. And these types of people are distinguished by their speed in relationships. Fasties and Slowies.

I, for example, am a Fasty! Always have been. My pace when I meet someone I like is to go all in, right away, and dive to the depths of our souls together within the first month! Hilarious but true! Ha ha.

The other type, the Slowy, tends to really take their time, be super discerning, not show their cards right away and move at a much slower pace.

Neither are good or bad, or right or wrong. They are simply styles I have observed in friends, clients, and strangers alike!

If you are of the same pace, usually things go a lot smoother in that you are on the same wave length.

Two Fasties will be happily moving in together within the first few months. Two Slowies are content waiting a whole six months to a year before deciding if they want to move to the next level.

Obviously this has its own draw backs since two Fasties can burn out fast not having taken the time to really get to know each other, and two Slowies may invest all of that time and energy together and realize it still isn’t working!

Problems, or shall I say ‘challenges’, usually arise more obviously when you have a Fasty and a Slowy dating or in relationship. It is a push pull dynamic that is very unique and can feel frustrating a lot of the time.

However I am realizing there is something to this opposite pace dynamic that is a blessing in disguise. Because Fasties do need to learn to slow their roll somewhat and Slowies need to learn to take more risks and not hedge their bets as much.

I currently am going through this very situation myself. It is an edge for me and so NOT my natural pace to go slow, however I am grateful for it.

It is allowing us to really take our time to get to know each other and decide if this truly will work for the two of us. It has me temper my anxiety around wanting to know NOW what will happen and trust in the unfolding. I know for my sweet Slowy I am probably offering an edge too where we are still diving in deeper emotionally then he is comfortable with but at the same time he is appreciating. I can see the future vision and possibility and am keeping us focused on that.

We are both lovingly pushing each other to our edges, to step outside of our comfort zones, and find a way to meet in the middle. It’s a dance for sure, and one that is so worthwhile if done in partnership!

Regardless of which type you are, the moral of the story here is to see if you can do a bit different.

If you are a Fasty, it may behoove you to slow down a bit, so that you can check in with yourself more and not get as swept up in the energy and the excitement as much.

If you are a Slowy, it may behoove you to speed up a bit, to not wait until everything is perfect and guaranteed before you act, so that you can open up to possibilities.

So which are you? What have you noticed about your pace and how can you try different??

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Never Too Late (to do Prom at Age 39) http://natalievartanian.com/2018/04/never-too-late-to-do-prom-at-age-39/ http://natalievartanian.com/2018/04/never-too-late-to-do-prom-at-age-39/#respond Mon, 30 Apr 2018 21:01:47 +0000 http://natalievartanian.com/?p=9727 This past Saturday I went to prom, for the first time! Took me 20 years, but as they say “Better Late Than Never.”  I actually didn’t go to a single dance during high school. The decision was partly my moms to protect me from being the young one in a sea of older kids who could […]

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This past Saturday I went to prom, for the first time! Took me 20 years, but as they say “Better Late Than Never.” 

I actually didn’t go to a single dance during high school. The decision was partly my moms to protect me from being the young one in a sea of older kids who could be very very bad influences on me.

But then at a certain point it became my decision too … The rebel in me kicked in, and I didn’t see what the fuss was about. I chose to spend prom day with my best friend doing all of the things we loved. That day will go down in history for sure.

However there was still a part of me that wished I could have had that experience. Fortunately the opportunity came in the form of a friend’s birthday party where prom was to be reparative and the theme was “Doing it right this time”.

So I asked the man I was dating at the time to be my prom date. Oh my gosh, he showed up in ways I never would have imagined. Literally in a way … since he arrived wearing a tux and his shirt matched the color of my dress (not planned at all! And burgundy for those of you that are burning to know!)

He was clear and vocal about his desire for me to have the experience I never had. That in and of itself skyrocketed the excitement factor of the whole thing. Yes we were acting like giddy teenagers, but also were mature adults who did not have nearly the amount of insecurities than in high school. There was a peace and ease to the whole thing that I highly doubt my teenage self would have experienced. 

He drove all the way to pick me up, which was not a small feat as the round trip driving time was 2 hours, not to mention driving to the prom location another hour round trip.

He brought me a beautiful corsage, which I’ll admit was more of a highlight for me than the actual time at prom! 

He treated me to a super lovely dinner where we engaged in some amazing, honest, and thought provoking conversations. Par for the course with us, but also there was something magnetic and sparkly about it given we were dressed to the nines.

He then escorted me to the party where we had a sweet blend of together and separate experiences, and ended the night with some super hot physical connection (aka high school style make out session).

Photo Credit: Darker Days Illustration

I especially appreciated the check in preceding making an entrance. He asked how I was feeling going in to the party. He then shared that his inner introvert was more present and how he was feeling protective of our time together, one on one, which absolutely melted me.

But he did immediately follow that by saying he was also excited to be going, and with me specifically, because he was proud of what we had created so far during our time together. So did I, so did I.

That evening, including that gorgeous moment of checking in, I felt beautiful, seen, cared for, and loved by this man. 

Thank goodness I was brave enough to ask him to be my date. That evening healed so much. It had me emotional in all of the best ways. He showed up so solidly and sweetly – the most amazing gentleman. It gave me hope that old fashioned courting was not dead.

Never say it’s too late to have a do over. Regardless of age and/or your past, you can choose everyday to have the kind of life that is most aligned with your heart and soul. I honestly believe that … for me and for you. 

We can try again, and it could be way better than the first one ever was!

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Rough vs Raw Sex (Blog Post) http://natalievartanian.com/2018/01/rough-vs-raw-sex/ http://natalievartanian.com/2018/01/rough-vs-raw-sex/#respond Mon, 15 Jan 2018 22:35:25 +0000 http://natalievartanian.com/?p=9585 The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book of Sexplorations. At the end of this piece, you can sign up to for the mailing list and get an advanced copy of the section on Threesomes! There was a bruise that was healing on the bottom right cheek of my derriere … the remnants of the […]

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The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book of Sexplorations. At the end of this piece, you can sign up to for the mailing list and get an advanced copy of the section on Threesomes!


There was a bruise that was healing on the bottom right cheek of my derriere … the remnants of the rough sex I had one morning with my boyfriend.

Biting. Pulling. Slapping. Pushing. Clawing. Oh, and choking. Did I mention choking?

Say what you will about the Fifty Shades of Grey movement, but I think there is something to be said for what it awakened in us women.

For years I had the kind sex that was proper, safe, conscientious, meek, not to mention completely in my head the whole time … yet I also had this craving for rough sex. Craving was what it literally felt like all those years … A powerful desire. A yearning that went so deep and I had not the slightest idea how to satiate it.

Some time passed and I found someone to play with in this way and yet it still felt like it somehow was not enough. It whet my appetite but in the end left me disappointed. I left hungrier than when I first got to the meal. I was still grateful for a peak into this world with Mr. Unicorn, because the surface we scratched had me peak into what might be underneath and I realize how much I loved it.

Fast forward to meeting Raphael who had never experienced or even desired rough sex in his past sexual experiences. And here I was starving to have the kind of trust that would allow me to completely let go, to feel safe enough to feel, even for a moment, being met in that way. I do appreciate my time with Mr. Unicorn because to a certain extent it paved the way for what was to come with Raphael.

Play rough we did. Or at least dipping our toes together into those choppy waters. It was amazing, though, because in the beginning I didn’t even ask for those things. They just happened. It’s like he knew what my body was wanting at that moment in time and would respond in kind. It was uncharted territory for us both, however we were taking powerful steps in the right direction. For both of us.

I would have visions of him choking me, or slapping me across the face, and not even a week later he would tentatively try it out or express his desire to. The connection we had was almost psychic. Over time it progressed from an unspoken interaction to one of requests and agreements.

I would ask him to hold me down or keep his hand on my throat. He would put his hand over my face and talk dirty to me. We would check in after these forays into edgy play and decide together what we wanted more of, less of, or to explore for the first time. I so appreciated the dance between organic and spontaneous expressions of our rough sex and the more calculated, intentionally created experiments.

Actually watching the Fifty Shades of Grey movie was what ripped Pandora’s Box open for me. I simply couldn’t ignore that part of me anymore. To my surprise, a depression came over me when I realized what it was I wanted. I had to go through the process of peeling away the layers of shame and guilt and fear that something was wrong with me for even wanting that.

Voicing it with Raphael, all of it, was what started to release those insidious feelings of shame. Especially when he shared that he was willing to further explore that realm with me.

What I came to discover as we spent the next week, starting with that very evening that we watched the movie (on Valentine’s Day of all days), pushing our boundaries and experimenting with different things is that I fucking loved it.

I paid attention to my body before, during and after (literally asking it how it was doing and what it wanted) and it would come alive, every time. For example, as he held me down or put his arms around my neck, even when he pinched my nipples hard or gave me commands during sex, I could literally feel my pussy throbbing uncontrollably and getting wetter than I had ever experienced.

At the end of every rough play encounter, I would feel fulfilled and freer. I finally felt like the lifelong thirst for amazing sex was being quenched.

But here is the thing that became clear as we continued to be open to what our bodies felt called to do … it was not the Roughness of the sex that was the turn on, it was the Rawness of it. It wasn’t as much about what we were doing but the feeling of it.

Raw sex can look gentle or rough. It follows the energy of what wants to happen between all parties involved. There is a quality that is hard to describe but I will do my best to try! One metaphor is putting your car on auto-pilot and letting the inner GPS take the ‘wheel’.

Our bodies are doing their own thing and we get out the way. We let it take its course. We allow ourselves to tap into our RAW animal instincts. Because what Raw actually means is “Being in our natural state.” When talked about in an emotional context, it also means strong and undisguised.

You guessed it … I Googled it. I am a bit of a word nerd and researcher after all.

As I pondered more on the idea of raw versus rough, and felt into what happens when my boyfriend and I are tapping into that primal part of ourselves, I imagined two lions having sex and finally understood the intensity.

When lions fuck they are not thinking about anything except the task at hand and it is wild, uninhibited, carnal, loud, powerful.

Just thinking about it has my heart race, spine straighten, and chest arch out.

I had never truly explored what I am capable of as a woman, let alone a primal, sexual, hungry, turned on woman. I guess I was so afraid of what that would mean about me or more accurately what others would think about me.

Yet when I am that connected to my sexual instincts I feel supremely connected to myself, my desires, and my power. I go after what I want and I get it. I unabashedly walk through the world as someone who is at choice and in control of her sex. Head is held high and body and heart are on the same page. I don’t feel ashamed of my sex drive, on the contrary, I am proud of it.

I have a voracious sexual appetite that I only scratched the surface of with previous partners. With my boyfriend now, we FUCK. And you know what? It feels good.

To me fucking doesn’t have to be separate from making love — it is one in the same — just two sides of the same coin and both sides are beautiful in their own right because they are of the same golden core.

To me fucking (aka being raw) is following the cravings your body is experiencing.

I am still connecting all of this for myself. As I said, I scratched the surface of it with Mr. Unicorn. With Raphael I got to tap into in on a deeper level. I know there is more for me to go in this exploration.

yet I can feel it in my body that I am getting closer to the truth of it all for me. It was almost as if a light bulb went off that it was not rough I was craving as much as letting myself fully be in my natural sexual state.

I crave my partner’s dick.

I crave for him to put his hand on the back of my neck, push me into the bed and fuck me from behind.

My pussy gets wet when he pulls my hair, puts his hand over my eyes and talks dirty to me.

Other times I crave for him to hold me super tightly and move ever so slow while we are having sex.

There have been occasions when I sobbed because emotions that had been bottled up for ages were bursting out of me.

My body might cry or moan and groan or yell based on what it needs to express.

And this craving is like an echo — it bounces off of my body to his and then back again. I feed off of feeling him react to my turn on which fuels him to let go and react even more uncontrollably.

That is raw. That is being in the moment. That is sex. Isn’t that why we are all here on this earth anyway? To experience things in a way that brings pleasure and happiness? To be present enough to actually enjoy the experience?

I feel like being raw in sex allows you to then learn how to be raw in life. It’s such great exercise in being vulnerable — to ask for what you want and not be afraid to get it. To show the different sides of yourself and truly see the different sides of the other. To have it all be completely okay and follow the energy wherever it wants to take you. There are no barriers to sensations of pleasure and connections of intimacy and love.

The ramifications of raw sex creates a positive and powerful ripple in the world, in my opinion. As individuals we must know and trust ourselves implicitly to be that transparent and connected to our pleasure. As couples we must be willing to trust the other to be that intimate and generous in the giving and receiving. As a society and the world we must be willing to completely be ourselves so that we all get to be celebrated and deserving of fulfillment, bliss, and pleasure.

Now that I know this way, I would not have it any other way.


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Video: Compassion vs Criticism during Reflection http://natalievartanian.com/2018/01/video-compassion-vs-criticism-during-reflection/ http://natalievartanian.com/2018/01/video-compassion-vs-criticism-during-reflection/#respond Mon, 01 Jan 2018 23:43:18 +0000 http://natalievartanian.com/?p=9561 A little New Year’s video for you all … and for you readers, the loose transcript below. So last night was supposed to be a magical time for me to reflect, Vision, dream, acknowledge myself and my accomplishments. Yet all I did was go down the rabbit hole of self judgment. Like a harsh taskmaster […]

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A little New Year’s video for you all … and for you readers, the loose transcript below.

So last night was supposed to be a magical time for me to reflect, Vision, dream, acknowledge myself and my accomplishments.

Yet all I did was go down the rabbit hole of self judgment. Like a harsh taskmaster I was looking at my tangible “results” this year end and had nothing to “show for myself”. It was brutal. I had to put myself to bed so that I could stop the incessant thoughts of failure and how to fix it for next year.

And I know had I been with anyone they would have set me straight and fast. Because they would have been looking at my year with compassionate eyes. Sure there are things that happened this year that I may have done differently.

But that is where the love comes in – to focus on my health and growth – and see the learning in these opportunities to do better and different next time.

I don’t want to paint a negative picture of my 2017. It had its ups and downs. My heart and body took a toll. Yet I created so much, saw so much, and helped so many people.

This next year will be about shining brighter than I ever have before but not at my physical expense. I will learn a way to be balanced, healthy, and strong in the process. Can’t be good to anyone else if I am not good myself.

So my dears … as you continue to reflect on 2017 and vision for 2018, I invite you to have compassionate eyes yourself. Because I sure as hell would have them on for you!

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The Struggle of Wanting to Share my Sex Stories http://natalievartanian.com/2017/07/struggle-sharing-sex-stories/ http://natalievartanian.com/2017/07/struggle-sharing-sex-stories/#respond Sat, 29 Jul 2017 16:56:30 +0000 http://natalievartanian.com/?p=9369 The following is a piece I free wrote as I was working through a profound writer’s block I was experiencing in the creation of my forthcoming book about Sex. Also, to get on the list and be the first to know when it releases, click HERE. ~~~~~ I’ll be honest. A part of me was, […]

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The following is a piece I free wrote as I was working through a profound writer’s block I was experiencing in the creation of my forthcoming book about Sex. Also, to get on the list and be the first to know when it releases, click HERE.

~~~~~

I’ll be honest. A part of me was, and is still to some degree, terrified to write this book. I know I’ve been writing about sex and relationships for a few years now, but to share my thoughts, viewpoints, personal stories on a much bigger and global level scares me. It feels exposing, scary, and downright vulnerable.

To be super candid, this stems from that fact that I don’t feel safe. And this is something that has been coming out more and more for me the past few months. There is something about sex that simply isn’t safe. Look at all of the assaults and crimes and violations that happen daily. Not just to women, to men too!

So for as much of an enthusiast I am about sex, I can also be meek and prudent and guarded.

Sometimes it doesn’t feel safe to even be in my body. I ask myself constantly, “How am I supposed to balance being a sensual and sexual being with being a human being period?”. I have a resistance to the focus being purely on the physical (sex), because there is so much more to us than any one aspects of ourselves.

I live with a deep fear of not being seen as my full self – a sexual AND spiritual being – a person with a wide range and full spectrum. Especially when this aspect (sex) is seen so negatively.

I have a body and a brain. I have a vagina and a heart. I have talents, opinions, ideas, I have feelings and intuitive hits.  I have a soul, devotion, and compassion. I have values, as well as a beginners mind open to learning something new. I also have judgments, resentment, and frustrations. I have traumas, hurts, heartbreaks. There is a whole lotta intricacy and complexity living in this little ol’ “body” of mine.

So to try and minimize any one person to who they are based on the form of their body, or their sexual  preferences, is only looking at a small part of a vastly bigger picture.

But because this does exist in our world, this distorted and disassociated view of Sex, it scares me. I feel like if I write this book I would have a big bull’s-eye on  my back. It’s as if I would give people free reign to rip apart my reputation and judge me based on what I do and do not desire.

In some regards I want to think that I am being paranoid to believe that. Yet every day, in some small way, I feel like I already have a bull’s-eye. Walking down the street can be uncomfortable. There is a constant level of vigilance. And in some cases hyper-vigilance (for example when I was in parts of Nicaragua and was outright being cat-called, whistled at, sent kissy noises).  Not that this is the case everywhere, or even in all parts of Nicaragua (as I did have some sweet exchanges with men there too), however it exists and I have been at the receiving end of it.

So no … I don’t feel very safe right now. All that made me want to do is become small. To hide. To cover my body, whether with clothes or extra fat. Instead of feeling protected and unguarded, I felt like prey.

Which makes sense if I follow the red thread back to childhood. I was the daughter of an alcoholic, gambling father. Our household never felt stable. It felt chaotic, unpredictable, scarce. There was also the energy of unfaithfulness, lying, and cheating swirling around our tiny and impressionable minds. Whether it was true or not, the accusations alone were enough to make me mistrust fidelity and the sanctity of marriage and sex.

Yet oddly enough, I don’t place blame on anyone or anything here. I know that this is a byproduct of centuries of misunderstandings and miscommunications around our relationship to ourselves, our bodies, and  others. If we knew different, I honestly believe we would do different.

Which brings us right back to why I would do such a fucking crazy thing as writing a book around such a charged and taboo topic such as sex. Here is the truth – I personally didn’t know any different. So growing up I either took action based on that knowing (or lack thereof) or stayed frozen from inaction.

I tried to learn as much as I could, however the sources were either hard to come across or nonexistent.  Not to  mention the inherent shame or fear of going straight to hell from even being curious to learn more about Sex.

I guess I must have deep down believed that sex could be both pleasurable and also devotional. That it could be a key to unlock dormant parts of ourselves, both primal and sacred. That not only can it be such a fun and exciting path to self discovery, but also a journey of deep and intimate communion with another.

However that took me a long time to get to – the truth, my truth. That sex is powerful but also pure. That Sex is creation and does not need to be the source of such destruction. That Sex can be healing, lovely, playful, tender, and sweet.

That’s all I want for you too, by the way: To come to your own truth.

And I’m still learning. There is a level of deepening around my sex and sexuality that is new for me. It is both foreign and familiar though. In some ways it is like coming home to myself, yet trusting without any real evidence that home is wherever I am. My body, my sex, my expression of my desire and turn on, is available to me always.

Although it can be a very private and internal journey, it can also be a shared one to be communicated and celebrated by us all. That is my hope with my transparent, honest, open, vulnerable sharing of my own stories. I want to normalize this conservation … because I really believe that if it wasn’t such a shame and guilt filled topic, we would  have a lot less pain, suffering, and violence in the world as a result.

We would feel much more free, respectful, consensual, and honoring of ourselves and each other when it comes to Sex. Because honestly isn’t that the goal of being a human on this planet with other humans anyway?!

~~~~~

Want to read more when my book publishes? Click HERE.

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