Last night I was thinking for a while about how “on purpose” my life seems to be right now.
I’m living in Oakland (basically the beautiful Bay area), working at a job that combines so many things I am passionate about, working towards building something even more solid than last year with GGM (we ARE going to be on radio this year, don’t know what it looks like, but it’s happening), I have some of the most incredible friends a person could dream up, and I am risking and growing in big ways.
I feel I’ve become way more humble and appreciative simply from the time we got back from our last trip to now (and it has only been two months).
I wonder sometimes if I am naturally prone to depression, because there is always a hint of sadness around. Has been for many, many years. As long as I can remember pretty much.
But these days I can usually pretty quickly realize there are things in life that make you feel sad and I am simply processing. Not having money coming in and wondering how you are going to pay the bills is a real stress, and that was my January for me.
I feel like this time around though I handled it gracefully. I let myself feel whatever was coming up, allowed it to pass through, and once I felt calmer and clearer I could come up with creative ideas and then act on them. I walked around Lake Merritt more times than care to count. I mean it obviously worked … look at where I’m at now!
Fuck. I never have been able to see all of my bad assery for how amazing it seems. I don’t know if it is humility because I am a pretty humble person, or if it is not being able to truly recognize and be proud of my accomplishments.
In one month essentially I found a home since I am living in the RV, invested in something which is a for sure return on investment (more so because of sentimental value), found a job making an impact in the world, paid all my bills on time, continued creating traction for GGM, am doing what I love (coaching) and now being a part of education reform.
Not to mention I was still able to be present and enjoy my friends, all the while dating, risking and trying new things during that whole tumultuous and stressful month.
All the while I never knew exactly how I was going to pay my bills. It would seem crazy to anyone looking from the outside in. I signed a loan for the RV without having an actual source of income. At that point, my sources of income were a hodge podge of smaller gigs and hopes for a job as I had recently started interviewing.
I seriously am ONE ballsy woman, good lord! Sometimes when I sit down and reflect on it like this is when I see the extent of how completely out of my mind I may appear to some people. I operate so much on faith, intuition and vision that it feels impulsive and irrational even to me on occasion.
But I know that it is because of the fact that I risk like this that I create as much “magic” in my life. Things pop up like a rabbit being pulled out of a hat. These moments of seeing myself so clearly (radical, bad ass, optimist, powerful) and being confident about my abilities to create are when I inevitably think about dating and guys.
Which leads me to another realization I came to last night about dating and love:
Dating and someone’s love for you are not things to be taken personally.
I am SO on purpose right now that only things that are going to nurture, support and fuel the purpose will thrive on that path. Anything that would take away from or slow down the purpose will eventually go away. They wouldn’t be able to co-exist: the “distractions” and the momentum of the path I am on.
Plus I don’t WANT to deviate from this course I’m on. I have been dreaming and working to realize these passionate ideas of mine for years, why the hell would I want to get off track.
So if a guy isn’t going to really be on board with my literal and figurative path, I don’t want his ass as a companion. Period.
If someone cannot truly see me for all of my amazing attributes, then we are simply not a fit. End of story.
The fit is what I want. Two people fitting together like puzzle pieces, effortless and right.
That is part of my vision for my life and seeing as I am not “settling” around the other incredible things I am creating in my life, why would I in this department? Again, nothing personal.
It’s not my “fault” if a guy doesn’t call me back. I didn’t do anything “wrong”. I simply chalk it up to him not being the right fit.
I decided recently that I get to be present to the guys I am dating. How can any of us predetermine the role someone is going to play in our lives?
We put people we meet in to categories without knowing ANYTHING about them personally or how they are going to treat us? That is why we settle or put up with things way longer then we should.
We don’t see it for what it is (aka guy is being kind of douchy), we ignore reality because we are holding on to the vision in our heads (this guy is my soul mate).
My latest dating experiment is that I am going to go in to every date with no expectations and be open to whatever develops. No trying to put them in to an assumption box such as “He would make an awesome boyfriend” or “Clearly nothing is going to happen with this person so I may as well just fuck him”.
One date at a time or more like one encounter at a time.
Just letting it unfold organically and taking myself out of the chokehold position I’ve put on men and dating most of my life. I do have to admit … it has been a lot less crazy in my brain from this place the past week or so.
And to be brutally honest, my motto right now is “If you aren’t going to add to my personal fulfillment, I don’t need your ass around.”
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As a thank you, you will get a surprise from me as well … an in-depth worksheet where you list out your ideal partner and relationship. When you are clear, they appear…It works like magic I tell ya. XO