Ask The SEXpert: Is he not attracted to me?

Question:

Hi. I recently hooked up with a guy, we have known each other for about 6/7 weeks, and there has been major flirting and sexual chemistry. Anyway we finally hooked up however when he would go to penetrate he would lose some firmness of his erection. Why would this be? Is it because he isn’t actually attracted to me?

Response:

Thanks for writing. I could see how it would be easy to assume that his lack of firmness is an indication of his attraction to you. However, it could be a number of reasons that he loses his erection.

It may be that he drank too much, he could be tired or stressed out (most likely reason), is used to masturbating often or already went past his masturbating quota for the day, etc. You get the drift.

What I want to highlight is that most people, especially women, will go to ‘taking it personal’ first and foremost, however that is the last place you should go when it comes to dynamics in the bedroom.

What is most important in this situation, actually any sensitive situation, is to not take it personal and have open lines of communication.

So my first question to you is have you talked to him about what happened? Obviously the way you approach this will be key. Because it sounds like he really likes you and I have a sneaking suspicion that he may be feeling somewhat bad too. He probably assumes you will interpret it as a lack of attraction or even that you see him as less of a man (guys have insecurities too).

Again, not taking it personally is key! When you broach the subject with him, make sure to express your feelings for him (‘I still think you are a sexy mofo!’) and that you would love to give it another go. Tell him you want to play 20 questions – 20 sexy questions that is.

Ask him what turns him on, how he has the most pleasure sexually, what is his preferred style or position in sex? Obviously you get to share as well. These kinds of questions not only give you more information about how you can please him, and he can please you, but they almost always lead to conversations around what works and does not work for each person sexually.

Maybe even ask things like what turns you off, how do you handle stress in the bedroom, what are some things that have not worked for you in the past?

Remember: Be open, be curious and be honest! Have fun talking ‘dirty’ to each other and I hope the next go around is way more present and passionate! 😉

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