Have You Hit the Wall in Dating? If so, here is the way through…


So I have never participated in a marathon, but I am pretty sure I am familiar with this “wall” they all talk about. Especially when it comes to love.

You see three years ago, I got pretty up close and personal with that concept.

Although I was not literally running a race, I was dating, and to be frank, I don’t see how they are any different. It can be a jungle out there and you are exercising those vocal and heart muscles regularly!

I had been dating for a good year at that point, and the last six months were pretty legit. Responding to messages online, reaching out to guys I found appealing or attractive, meeting for first dates, going on second dates, getting clear on what works and doesn’t work for me, etc, etc… I had been doing the work. Really putting myself out there.

I was dating skinny branch style … from approaching the handsome stranger on his motorcycle at the gas station to confessing my attraction to someone in my friend group. Scary stuff but I had vowed to push my boundaries that year when it came to sex, love and relationships. I even took courses and got a coach for that very reason.

It was really fun for a while. For the most part I met nice, interesting guys, who showed me what was possible. Then all of a sudden, like overnight, I became frustrated and cranky.

Not that I didn’t have the kind of encounters that made great stories over drinks with friends. I mean there was the one guy who was so eager in his kissing I felt I had to protect myself from the lizard tongue. Then there was the guy who put me in a death grip when he kissed me which had a total rape-y vibe. Oh and to top it off, there was the guy who I had amazing chemistry with and just as we got started having great sex, he decided to get into a relationship with someone else.

I don’t know if it was the sum of all of those smaller incidents or just being burnt out from dating, but it happened … I hit the “wall”! I could not even stomach the idea of one more date, one more message from a guy online, or one more bad kissing experience!

I was DONE. Yes, ALL CAPS kinda done.

The worst part was the few people I was actually interested in I was getting so obsessed about. Living in fantasyland big time: having dreams, thinking about them incessantly, basically wanting them to just confess their undying love to me so that I can be done with this dating business once and for all. I felt possessed and it was not pretty.

Just like in a marathon, when the inevitable wall happens, you have to simply push through it.

The wall is a figment of your imagination. It’s all mental. In your head you think you can’t go on anymore when your body is perfectly capable of running not just 3 or 4 more miles, but 10 miles. In a marathon, you have to play mind games in order to overcome the block and finish the race triumphantly.

I knew I had hit the wall and needed outside assistance, STAT, so I started talking to my friends hoping they might shine some light on the situation and help me shift my perspective.

Two things happened that changed my course. First was when a good friend of mine called me out. Apparently what I wanted when it came to dating had changed along the way, yet what I was doing was still the same and most importantly, the energy I was putting out was super unclear.

Okay, so I needed to reassess what I wanted and communicate that, instead of my previous want. Got it! I’m all about visioning, so having the opportunity to dream up my ideal relationship had me kind of excited.

The second thing not so exciting. The hardest part for me was the infamous “letting go”. So much easier said than done. The more I focused on letting go, the more anxious and consumed I became.

Here is the thing folks: just saying you are letting go is not enough. Who are we trying to fool anyway? We may be speaking the words “I am fine, I don’t need a boyfriend” or “My life is great, when it happens it happens” yet acting like a starving dog at the least bit of attention from the person we are interested in. (Confession: I am speaking from personal experience. Tough to admit, but it’s truth.)

What did I do? I committed to take a short break from dating.

I needed to recharge and give myself the mental and emotional space to figure out what I truly wanted for myself when it came to love and relationships. So soon after, on Friday the 13th, I proceeded to write to the people who had messaged me online saying thanks but no thanks and then disabled my dating account.

I also decided that if I started dating online again it would be on another site that caters more to people looking to be in a relationship (and not simply date). A fresh start when I was ready to put myself out there again. It felt good because not only did I say I was letting go, I actually was doing it. Took some necessary steps to detach and I noticed right away the change in my demeanor.

And of course, as soon as I pushed past the wall and was slowly working on gaining my stride, I got a second wind in the most unexpected way.

Remember that handsome stranger on the motorcycle I mentioned earlier? Turns out he came across my number and decided to reach out. It gets even better. Guess what day he sent the message? Yup … Friday the 13th.

So let me ask you this … have you hit a wall in dating? And if so, what do you feel you need to push through the mental block and go back to having fun?

P.S. If you could use some outside guidance to get re-inspired in the love department (think of it as a way to hit the reset button), you are in luck.

I am doing a free Hangout through Google’s Hangout on Air to talk about this very topic. To get more information and find out where/how to participate, click HERE!

Would love to ‘see’ you there.

P.S. If you are ready to turn things around in the Love Department big time and turn any unconscious sabotage to success when it comes to relationships, check out the Virtual Love Course I created just for that purpose – affordable, self paced and you can do it in the comfort of your own home!  

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