Had a pretty profound realization as I was journaling last night and this morning that I feel called to share with you all, my tribe. My natural tendency in any point of contention within a close connection is to assume someone is going to leave me, simply disappear, or traumatize me somehow and then leave me.
On the recommendation of a very smart friend, I wrote a letter from my fear about this anxiety thrashing around in my heart, as well as a response to my fear.
Once fear had its say, I then turned around and wrote a letter to my fear from Grace (aka Love). And what flowed out stunned me to the point of having to stop and allow for the words to really sink in. It felt like it short circuited my brain and had me looking at the entire situation with fresh eyes, eyes of unconditional love.
“This decision (to come to your own truth and speak your truth) is a decision to love in the best way possible, not to deprive, but to help thrive.”
Regardless of who is speaking up about what they need (myself or the other person), the knee jerk reaction has been “Someone is going to get hurt, if not both of us.”
I realized how much my blueprint of scarcity in love affects how I view and hold all of my relationships. My anxiety comes from feeling like “There’s not enough” or “There will never be enough”. And love is the thing I am afraid to lose the most.
I saw how I totally felt ‘deprived’ of love growing up, so of course it makes sense that I am a ‘ledger holder’ in relationships, or a score keeper of the times someone has deprived me. Versus all of the time I have been given to, helped to fill, to thrive!
That latter approach would be my natural filter if I came from a more abundant in love mentality. ‘There’s more than enough’ would be the assumption – that endings or change don’t mean ‘I may lose everything’, it simply points me in another direction …
Of more than enough, of gain, of a FULL, happy life, overflowing with love.
In the assumption of unconditional love, there is no separation, there is endless opportunity to grow deeper in love, to strengthen connection and to make sure every single person is winning … feeling loved, heard, cared for, understood.
My new goal is to practice switching gears from this old assumption of impending doom and destruction because deprivation is the only option.
The new gear I want to switch into is approaching every challenge from a desire to help the situation (and all players involved) to thrive.
Because the commitment is to love unconditionally and to honor the belief that we all deserve to be loved unconditionally and abundantly, including me!