Exposing an Attraction Killer: Expectations

Time to expose one of the biggest seduction and attraction killers: expectations.

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To figure out what your expectations are, you need to look in and not out.

The definition of an expectation is: “A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.”

Let’s say for example wanting the person we are dating to live up to our list as opposed to simply enjoying their company and seeing what develops organically.

Expectations can also be based on the past, for example if you are comparing potential partners to old relationships/lovers and are afraid the same will happen. A side effect of this killer is being disconnected to the here and now and relating more to the assumption or fantasy. No one can live up to expectations as they are not real. When all is said and done, Expectations Kill. Period.

Good news is there is a pretty straightforward fix for eliminating expectations.

One of the strongest antidotes for the poison of expectations is the following: Be completely present, open and honest.

When you are in the moment with the person, you are not comparing to the past or wishing for the future. You are not checked out. You are in the moment: big and bright, radiating fun and love. Now THAT is attractive!

I have a little story for ya since I do love to share all about my personal experiences:

During my year of dating and sexual exploration, I had gone to Austin on a whim (my favorite kind). Mission? Find out more about the mysterious motorcycle guy I met in the gas station in ‘Don’t Remember The Name of the Small Town’, Texas a few months prior. Even the way we met was mysterious and seemingly destined.

My friend/travel partner in crime, Sally, and I had gone to Austin (on a whim) to attend some South By Southwest pre-parties. It was on the way back from Austin, to California, that we stopped in said gas station in ‘Don’t Remember The Name of the Small Town’, Texas. We joked about talking to the hottie on the motorcycle and so when we were driving away, I rolled down my window and asked him where he was headed! We exchanged information, and texted a bit but nothing ensued due to living in different states.

Then out of the blue months later he sent me a message to ask if I was back in Austin and if so, to join him at his birthday party.

Although I was NOT in Austin, I did decide to take a trip out TO Austin before then, visit friends and hang out with Mr. Mysterious Motorcycle Guy … what can I say, I’m spontaneous!

Before getting on the plane I made a conscious, concerted effort to drop all expectations.

I decided that I would show up and be present. And enjoy myself. And learn about this guy without the filter of “Are you going to be my boyfriend now or what?”

I’m not saying it was easy necessarily … I’m an old fashioned romantic who loves a good story after all. There were ALL KINDS of tapes going through my head … of traveling South America with him, telling the story of our fated meeting at ‘Don’t Remember The Name of the Small Town’, Texas, finally having my landing pad in Austin with my hubbie!

As tempting as all of that was to focus on I knew that if I did not manage my expectations I most likely was going to set myself up for unnecessary disappointment and heartache.

I am sure you are wondering how the meet up went. It went REALLY well. I had a lot of fun. We grabbed some drinks at a couple of cool bars and ended the evening dancing some two-step to a great live band. Cool guy. Just not THE guy, for me, or at least not right now.

Where usually I would have been heart broken and moping around wondering if I will ever meet THE guy, I walked away content and fulfilled.

I was proud of myself. I followed my intuition, took a risk and had a great time. Although it didn’t turn out the way I dreamed it might, I met someone cool and he will probably be in my life in one way or another as we share a deep love of travel.

Okay, now it is time for you to look at the things that may get in the way of you being fully present and enjoying the heck out of your dating and sexual experiences:

Ask yourself the following questions and be honest (radically so):

  • What are my expectations of someone I just met?
  • Of someone I go on a second or third date with?
  • Of the person who will eventually be my significant other?
  • Of relationships in general?

Now that you know what your expectations are, you can decide … change them or keep them … your choice! 


Feature Image Photo Credit: Flickr/Dyxie

P.S. If you like what you read, please share with your peeps and sign up for the newsletter below so you get the scoop  before anyone else about my upcoming book … I think I shall call it “Love Advice is Crap’. 😉

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