When I was single, I used to think the whole idea of the ‘honeymoon phase’ was depressing.
You’re telling me that the spark, the love, the connection, the intimacy you feel at the beginning of a relationship wears off after a certain number of months? Thanks a lot for the inspiration!
Makes me wanna rush right out and hook myself up with someone. Eventually we are going to either fight all the time or be freaking roommates – sexless and boring! Woopdie-fuckin-do.
Now that I am solidly in a relationship, an incredible one at that, I find the concept outright infuriating.
It’s a bunch of bullshit. ABSOLUTE bullshit.
I literally cringe when I hear people using that term … it’s that offensive to me!
Instead of silently seething, I figured I would rant about it.
But lucky for you (and the world of lovers) my rant is to reinforce the potential of mind-blowing relationships for the long haul, not just some arbitrary time period!
So these are my Three Reasons why I think that whole ‘honeymoon phase’ concept is pure BS:
Reason #1: Things don’t have to go to shit
Do you look at love as a box that only has a certain set of edges and lines and parameters … contained, predictable, limited? Or do you look at it like a forest … expansive, wondrous, spontaneous, diverse, spacious?
Anytime I hear someone talk about the honeymoon phase I think “Way to put love in a box!”
Actually not just love is being put in a box, people are being put in a box. There is a doubt here that we can grow, evolve, change, learn, heal, trust, connect.
When you are in a conscious, intentional, connected relationship, things get BETTER not worse! Things come alive as opposed to fade.
We do our individual work and the collective work in the relationship. We commit to a fire that burns sustainably and consistently … we make sure to keep putting wood and kindling and even a little lighter fluid into the mix whenever it needs it. We don’t simply ignore it and allow it to fizzle out. We wanna stoke those flames baby!
Reason #2: The bubble can pop at any time
The assumption here is that during this so-called ‘love bubble’ nothing gets through that is the ‘real world.’ You are living in la-la land and when that wears off and the rose colored glasses are removed, then BAM, the challenges of reality knock you off of your pedestal. Agreed, in part.
Yes you will be challenged and triggered and pushed against your edges, but that can happen from day one! You can choose to have those opportunities grow you and bring you closer or push you farther apart.
Bob (my boyfriend) and I were definitely encountering our relationship demons in month ONE. We had to deal early on with his fear of intimacy which inevitably brought out my fear of abandonment, but we had already committed to giving our relationship a shot, no back doors style, and that meant tackling these things head on.
Each of these ‘bumps’ strengthened our trust in one another and brought us to an even more amazing place in our relationship.
Did it feel like we were in the ‘honeymoon bubble’ during those moments? Fuck No!
It was hard and scary and I felt like it would be the end of us at times, but we knew that having a solid and awesome relationship is a result of daily committed action to reap those rewards.
Reason #3: Calling a spade a spade
If what we are talking about is relationships where there is no substance and it was built on pheromones and physical attraction, then let’s just say that! Let’s call a spade a spade!
Because it’s true that a lot of unions fade after a certain point in time because there was no designing of the relationship involved, no conversations as to what both individuals want long term and definitely no desire to strengthen the emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of the relationship.
Or the converse is that the beginning was intentional yet somewhere along the way, the ‘work’ felt too hard and instead of recommitting and doing the work, or walking away, it was easier to stay together in a sub-par or even outright miserable relationship.
So yes, I agree there about things changing and not being all sunshine and roses anymore … however to put ALL relationships in that bucket is downright rude. And insulting.
I don’t know about you, but I can tell the difference when I am in an interaction with someone that is purely physical, or that has complexity and depth to it.
I know when I want to do the work and when I don’t. I know what I want. I know how to communicate that. Sometimes I just want a fling, sometimes I want to foster a romantic relationship, sometimes I want both (thank you Open Relationships).
But to say that the same rules (and predetermined outcome) apply to both (or all) scenarios is simply untrue.
At the end of the day, every situation is unique and different, so why would we place that type of blanket expectation and assumption on them all?
This is part of the reason I am such a proponent of unconventional relationships, because one size does not fit all. We don’t all have to do relationships the same way, besides the one way we all think we need to do it apparently isn’t working (and hasn’t been for a while).
Regardless, you can make your relationships progress however you want them too.
If you want to let the ‘spark’ fizzle out and settle into mediocrity, by all means, go right ahead.
However, if you want to have turned on, passionate, amazing love … the kind that continues to surprise you and fulfill you, that is completely available to you!
So ask yourself if you think the ‘honeymoon phase’ is a crock of poop too … and if you do, then congratulations, I think you are well on your way to having amazing love!
Featured Image Photo Credit: Flickr/Natesh Ramasamy
P.S. If you are wanting to do some work around the box you put love in and raising the relationship bar for your expectations to Amazing … I have a retreat for you. It is a one day retreat, where myself and my hypnotherapist friend will be working with you to release whatever has been blocking you from having the relationship of your dreams and then getting crystal clear on what it looks like so you can effortlessly manifest it. Major healing, major transformation and major manifestation in the love department. Won’t you join us?