Rough vs Raw Sex (Blog Post)

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book of Sexplorations. At the end of this piece, you can sign up to for the mailing list and get an advanced copy of the section on Threesomes!

There was a bruise that was healing on the bottom right cheek of my derriere … the remnants of the rough sex I had one morning with my boyfriend.

Biting. Pulling. Slapping. Pushing. Clawing. Oh, and choking. Did I mention choking?

Say what you will about the Fifty Shades of Grey movement, but I think there is something to be said for what it awakened in us women.

For years I had the kind sex that was proper, safe, conscientious, meek, not to mention completely in my head the whole time … yet I also had this craving for rough sex. Craving was what it literally felt like all those years … A powerful desire. A yearning that went so deep and I had not the slightest idea how to satiate it.

Some time passed and I found someone to play with in this way and yet it still felt like it somehow was not enough. It whet my appetite but in the end left me disappointed. I left hungrier than when I first got to the meal. I was still grateful for a peak into this world with Mr. Unicorn, because the surface we scratched had me peak into what might be underneath and I realize how much I loved it.

Fast forward to meeting Raphael who had never experienced or even desired rough sex in his past sexual experiences. And here I was starving to have the kind of trust that would allow me to completely let go, to feel safe enough to feel, even for a moment, being met in that way. I do appreciate my time with Mr. Unicorn because to a certain extent it paved the way for what was to come with Raphael.

Play rough we did. Or at least dipping our toes together into those choppy waters. It was amazing, though, because in the beginning I didn’t even ask for those things. They just happened. It’s like he knew what my body was wanting at that moment in time and would respond in kind. It was uncharted territory for us both, however we were taking powerful steps in the right direction. For both of us.

I would have visions of him choking me, or slapping me across the face, and not even a week later he would tentatively try it out or express his desire to. The connection we had was almost psychic. Over time it progressed from an unspoken interaction to one of requests and agreements.

I would ask him to hold me down or keep his hand on my throat. He would put his hand over my face and talk dirty to me. We would check in after these forays into edgy play and decide together what we wanted more of, less of, or to explore for the first time. I so appreciated the dance between organic and spontaneous expressions of our rough sex and the more calculated, intentionally created experiments.

Actually watching the Fifty Shades of Grey movie was what ripped Pandora’s Box open for me. I simply couldn’t ignore that part of me anymore. To my surprise, a depression came over me when I realized what it was I wanted. I had to go through the process of peeling away the layers of shame and guilt and fear that something was wrong with me for even wanting that.

Voicing it with Raphael, all of it, was what started to release those insidious feelings of shame. Especially when he shared that he was willing to further explore that realm with me.

What I came to discover as we spent the next week, starting with that very evening that we watched the movie (on Valentine’s Day of all days), pushing our boundaries and experimenting with different things is that I fucking loved it.

I paid attention to my body before, during and after (literally asking it how it was doing and what it wanted) and it would come alive, every time. For example, as he held me down or put his arms around my neck, even when he pinched my nipples hard or gave me commands during sex, I could literally feel my pussy throbbing uncontrollably and getting wetter than I had ever experienced.

At the end of every rough play encounter, I would feel fulfilled and freer. I finally felt like the lifelong thirst for amazing sex was being quenched.

But here is the thing that became clear as we continued to be open to what our bodies felt called to do … it was not the Roughness of the sex that was the turn on, it was the Rawness of it. It wasn’t as much about what we were doing but the feeling of it.

Raw sex can look gentle or rough. It follows the energy of what wants to happen between all parties involved. There is a quality that is hard to describe but I will do my best to try! One metaphor is putting your car on auto-pilot and letting the inner GPS take the ‘wheel’.

Our bodies are doing their own thing and we get out the way. We let it take its course. We allow ourselves to tap into our RAW animal instincts. Because what Raw actually means is “Being in our natural state.” When talked about in an emotional context, it also means strong and undisguised.

You guessed it … I Googled it. I am a bit of a word nerd and researcher after all.

As I pondered more on the idea of raw versus rough, and felt into what happens when my boyfriend and I are tapping into that primal part of ourselves, I imagined two lions having sex and finally understood the intensity.

When lions fuck they are not thinking about anything except the task at hand and it is wild, uninhibited, carnal, loud, powerful.

Just thinking about it has my heart race, spine straighten, and chest arch out.

I had never truly explored what I am capable of as a woman, let alone a primal, sexual, hungry, turned on woman. I guess I was so afraid of what that would mean about me or more accurately what others would think about me.

Yet when I am that connected to my sexual instincts I feel supremely connected to myself, my desires, and my power. I go after what I want and I get it. I unabashedly walk through the world as someone who is at choice and in control of her sex. Head is held high and body and heart are on the same page. I don’t feel ashamed of my sex drive, on the contrary, I am proud of it.

I have a voracious sexual appetite that I only scratched the surface of with previous partners. With my boyfriend now, we FUCK. And you know what? It feels good.

To me fucking doesn’t have to be separate from making love — it is one in the same — just two sides of the same coin and both sides are beautiful in their own right because they are of the same golden core.

To me fucking (aka being raw) is following the cravings your body is experiencing.

I am still connecting all of this for myself. As I said, I scratched the surface of it with Mr. Unicorn. With Raphael I got to tap into in on a deeper level. I know there is more for me to go in this exploration.

yet I can feel it in my body that I am getting closer to the truth of it all for me. It was almost as if a light bulb went off that it was not rough I was craving as much as letting myself fully be in my natural sexual state.

I crave my partner’s dick.

I crave for him to put his hand on the back of my neck, push me into the bed and fuck me from behind.

My pussy gets wet when he pulls my hair, puts his hand over my eyes and talks dirty to me.

Other times I crave for him to hold me super tightly and move ever so slow while we are having sex.

There have been occasions when I sobbed because emotions that had been bottled up for ages were bursting out of me.

My body might cry or moan and groan or yell based on what it needs to express.

And this craving is like an echo — it bounces off of my body to his and then back again. I feed off of feeling him react to my turn on which fuels him to let go and react even more uncontrollably.

That is raw. That is being in the moment. That is sex. Isn’t that why we are all here on this earth anyway? To experience things in a way that brings pleasure and happiness? To be present enough to actually enjoy the experience?

I feel like being raw in sex allows you to then learn how to be raw in life. It’s such great exercise in being vulnerable — to ask for what you want and not be afraid to get it. To show the different sides of yourself and truly see the different sides of the other. To have it all be completely okay and follow the energy wherever it wants to take you. There are no barriers to sensations of pleasure and connections of intimacy and love.

The ramifications of raw sex creates a positive and powerful ripple in the world, in my opinion. As individuals we must know and trust ourselves implicitly to be that transparent and connected to our pleasure. As couples we must be willing to trust the other to be that intimate and generous in the giving and receiving. As a society and the world we must be willing to completely be ourselves so that we all get to be celebrated and deserving of fulfillment, bliss, and pleasure.

Now that I know this way, I would not have it any other way.

To be first to know when my Sexploration book launches this year (2018) AND get an advanced copy of the section on Threesomes, click HERE to sign up for the mailing list!

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