While I was out running an errand yesterday afternoon, I noticed a good looking guy on break from work. In that moment my intention was for him to notice me back, strongly, and then to approach me. Did it work? Him flagging me down before I drive off to ask me out answers that. The attraction on his end was that powerful because I was clear as to what I wanted to happen. Flirting ensued and I gave him my card.
But now begins the getting to know more about each other part and I feel off. Even my text dialogue felt off. It had the flavor of me being picky, or shall I say selective, in how intimate I want to be with this guy. Kept questioning myself as to “what am I actually trying to do here?”
I came to the conclusion, after hours of texting this guy and sitting in the weird discomfort, that I want to be intentional with the lovers I allow into my harem. Kidding about the harem (maybe) but not about the way I want to go about my casual relationships moving forward. It’s funny because I am very clear, selective and intentional with who I want to see as my romantic partner (with a good success rate in attracting them) but my sexual partners? Usually not at all! Why should it be any different with those people in your life?
To me, those casual relationships are still important because they are just as intimate. I don’t know about you but I only want healthy, fulfilling and fun connections. In order to have the kind of sex life that feels satisfying and super hot, you have got to screen for the right partners. If it were a job you would not let just anybody fill the spot. Think of it along those lines. So first step is creating the job description, then the ideal candidate description!
It is about knowing beforehand what you are looking for, before starting the search and getting into qualifying dialogue with each other. Think about it. How can you know when you found the person if you are not exactly clear what they are even supposed to look like?”
Because here is the deal: When you are clear in what you want, you can communicate that and prevent misunderstandings and heart aches! If you want one night stands, cool. If you want more friend with benefit type situations, great. But you gotta ask yourself first. Then and only then will you actually be able to go out there and get exactly what you want!
Take your time and really think about your response to the questions posed below. Oh and if it is not obvious, be honest and I’m talking the radical kind. I will play along so that you have some examples. Okay and because I need to do the exercise myself too!
So take out a piece of paper and pen or pencil and answer the following questions:
1. What do you want out of your sexual encounters?
Example: I want to stretch my boundaries, achieve more orgasms during sex, learn to receive pleasure, feel more confident asking for what I want, etc.
2. What are the qualities you are looking for in your lovers / sexual partners?
Example: I am looking for givers who are open to learning, curious about being better lovers and know how to be present. I am looking for lovers I am naturally attracted to and have fun, effortless sexual chemistry with.
3. How do you want to show up in these sexual encounters?
Example: I want to show up as sexy, powerful, in my feminine, fun, relaxed and comfortable in my skin. I want to show up bubbly, bright, and like I am absolutely in love with my life.
4. What are the qualities of your ideal casual relationship?
Example: My ideal casual relationship is open, honest, comfortable, flirty, friendly. We have great communication and trust one another, etc.
Anything interesting come up for you? What else is there that you may be nervous to actually voice or claim? Feel free to share your revelations and any questions you have for me in the comments below. Here is to your most awesome sex life!
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As a thank you, you will get a surprise from me as well … an in-depth worksheet where you list out your ideal partner and relationship. When you are clear, they appear…It works like magic I tell ya. XO