Ask the SEXpert: How do I bring up that I am a virgin?

Since this week’s post was a string of emails, as opposed to a straight Question and Answer, I will be sharing it below in an Interview style for your reading pleasure:


BT: “I am a guy interested in knowing what you think about my situation.  I am 24 years old and I am a virgin.  I used to be over-weight and had a difficult financial situation with my family that prevented me from enjoying my life.  But a year ago I made a commitment to change.  I lost over 80 lb and I am making the money I needed quite easily.

Having lost weight and taking care of myself, I have lots of women who are interested in dating me and I’ve stumbled onto a woman I like but I keep thinking about her rejecting me because of me being a virgin.  Of course, If she really likes me it shouldn’t bother her.  I’ve also done lots of reading about female sexuality and I know what I have to do should we get together – I am confident about that.

How should I bring this up to her?”

NTC: “Thanks for writing in. In my opinion, rad-ical honesty is always the best policy. Are you concerned in the way in which you want to deliver the information as opposed to it being a question of bringing it up at all?

I would be honest even in your vulnerability and concerns about bringing this up to her. Women appreciate honesty and vulnerability from their potential partners because it unconsciously gives them confirmation that they have the space for that themselves with you.

Here are my thoughts:

Let her know that you wanted to talk to her about something and were unsure how exactly to bring it up. That although it is a non-issue for you, you understand that it may be a point of consideration for others. Fill her in, just as you did in your email with me. But make sure to keep the focus of the sharing what you have learned and your desire to please. You don’t have to SAY you are confident about pleasing her, you just have to BE confident … that will go way farther (remember actions speak louder than words).

Hope this helped!  Keep me posted on how it goes.”

BT: ” Thanks for replying. I needed clarification on something, you mentioned:

‘But make sure to keep the focus of the sharing what you have learned and your desire to please.’

Do you mean tell her what I’ve learned about how to please her? In terms of the techniques/positions?

Also, I was thinking to tell her that I learned all of this so that she didn’t need to have a bad first experience with me.  Could that seal the deal too?”

NTC: “What I meant by focusing on what you had learned, I actually meant things you have learned about yourself through the process. You do not have to get into details about what you have learned technique-wise unless you see that she is comfortable having that type of conversation. Some people may not be that open to talking ‘details’ at that stage. This is where you have to trust your judgment as you are talking to the person and gauge their level of openness (and comfort) during the conversation.

As to this question: “Also, I was thinking to tell her that I learned all of this so that she didn’t need to have a bad first experience with me.  Could that seal the deal too?”
Again, this is something you can gauge. I personally would not bring that up specifically – I am going to assert that your desire to please will shine in general and that would overshadow any ‘lack’ of experience. And trust me, that is usually the case anyway. You may have someone that has slept with a TON of people but is not as concerned with pleasing their partner so it ends up being a bad experience anyway. So hold off on mentioning that unless you feel she needs more personal reassurance that you have her best interests,  desires and pleasures in mind.”
BT: “Thanks! Your response does help! I am going to bring it up tonight to her and will let you know how it goes.”
Email response after he had the conversation ….
BT: “Some good news.  I was stressing it for no reason.  She turned out to be so nice about it.After I told her privately about my situation she said she assumed I was a virgin since I hadn’t been in a relationship before and that she actually liked it that way because she would like to make me her one and only and for some reason me being a virgin is a turn on for her!The STD talk also went well.  She acknowledged that it was the right question to ask and when I offered to go with her to get tested she found it sweet like you did and gave me my first 1 minute kiss!Thanks for relieving me of my stress about this and you are welcome to share this message on your blog.”


CS Photoshoot II
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