I was thinking that when I came back to Southern California I would be in hog heaven when it came to my sex life. I envisioned feeling carefree and enjoying myself and my body again. But actually the complete opposite has been true.
It baffled me at first. I couldn’t understand why. But when I actually sat down and asked myself why that may be the case, what I soon realized is that I don’t want to. I don’t want to have sex right now.
I have something in my heart that still needs to be healed.
I try and forget this fact, but I just went through a breakup. Old me would want to just plow through it, or ignore it altogether.
But I don’t want to do that this time. And it’s okay to be here, feeling this. I don’t feel the need to just get on with it.
It’s been four months and I still find myself sad. In my head I know why we split up and why that was for the best, but in my heart … questions. It wonders if I sent him away because I had too many expectations. It wonders if I had just given him enough space, it wouldn’t have felt so hard to be in relationship. Those type of questions.
So the thought of sex with somebody else right now is not that appealing. Call me crazy but that’s the last thing on my mind.
Don’t get me wrong … I LOVE sex. Obviously … would be silly for a sex, dating and relationship coach to NOT love sex.
I don’t want what happened last time to be the case again….
The last time I broke up with an ex, I rushed right into sleeping with someone else and it was one of the most heartbreaking things I have felt.
All I could think of while having sex was “I wish it was (my ex)” … “I wish I was kissing (my ex)”.
I know I was doing it to feel like someone loved me, found me attractive, could console me and what it ended up having me feel was far from that.
This time around I want to give myself some space. To search my soul and also honor what we had. I need the time to allow the lessons to sink in so that my next relationship benefits from this experience.
For that to happen, it requires our mind, body, heart, soul etc to sync up!
Let’s be real … I am still experiencing heartbreak. Even literal chest pain above where my heart is.
I mean I’m not at that stage anymore of crying my eyes out and rocking on the floor like a little baby (thank God), but it still affects me from time to time.
Given all that, I’m not going to say no to sex if it were to present itself.
I did have someone pop in briefly after my recent break-up. But there was such a strong chemistry there that I couldn’t resist it.
My body and soul was craving that as much as he was and it felt GOOD.
What I have become aware of though is that I’m not in a place to really seek it out.
It’s not what I want or need right now. Following that desire to not be intimate at the moment is to me what exquisite self-care looks like.
It is about always checking, moment by moment, and seeing what feels good and looks good.
Right now, when I check in, celibacy is looking pretty damn good.
Photo Credit: Flickr/GanMed64
P.S. I want to work with you. Yes, you! Whether it is a tarot reading, or a coaching session, I can help you feel clear, confident and ready to take on the world … so let’s get this show on the road! Can’t wait to hear from you soon!!