Question:
After all the fighting and breaking up and making up and both of us having other lovers the last three years, it has taken a toll on my sex drive. Like it has died and I don’t know how to rekindle that. It’s so heartbreaking to have this beautiful passion gone. It’s caused a lot of conflict between us because he feels not wanted and I feel guilty and the spiral continues… Please help!!!
Response:
Sounds like you two have had quite the journey over the course of your relationship. I want to acknowledge that it is a lot to hold as you try and move forward together. First thought is to get clear on what exactly died. Is it your sex drive? Is it the passion you felt in the beginning? Is it the passion you both experienced together? Or is it something deeper like trust, connection, honesty?
Whatever IT is, if it has died, then it is time to literally bury it and give it the actual attention it deserves. This means full on grieving and then moving on once you are complete. A lot of times we are in such a hurry to get to what’s next that we do not honor what happened or what is present.
No need to analyze or rehash everything that happened over the last three years. What is done is done. That was in the past. Honoring is to acknowledge their presence and their importance as lessons.
Those experiences have been important in the building of your self and the kind of relationship you will have moving forward. Acknowledging will also bring it to the present as opposed to allowing it to continue lingering on or haunting the relationship in various (at times unknown) ways.
I recommend including your boyfriend in the burial and grieving process. Trust me when I say this is the first step to rebuilding the intimacy in your relationship. Of course all types of emotions are going to come up when you go down this road and they are all okay.
Let yourself feel them fully and when an emotion has ‘done its thing’ it will move through you. As you are probably well aware, holding on to or stuffing those emotions are what will make everything worse. Allow yourselves to be seen and supported by the other.
Make sure you design together what it all looks like: what is needed, what support looks like, how to stay connected throughout, etc. During this time it is important to share with your boyfriend that this process is in service of rebuilding the passion and connection, and obviously that you are doing all of this because you love him. Your only job is to hold space for the emotions to be felt, both yours and his.
Only once you have truly gone through the grieving process can you begin to create from a new and spacious place. It may be uncomfortable and difficult but the only way out is through. I believe firmly that passion is waiting patiently on the other side for the two of you.
Then comes the fun part … designing the next phase of your sex life! You have a blank slate opportunity, take full advantage!
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